When you say you can't but God says you can....

     Have you ever hear someone say they can't do something but you know they can. Heck have you ever heard that come out of your own mouth. You see for longer than I know I have always said I can't do things it's too hard. I have let the enemy tell me I'm not qualified enough. I have let myself for too long think I am incapable. Last year I said I'm to train for a full marathon in the spring and I was excited. Heck I was stoked, but the last month or so I started thinking I can't it is too hard. I can't I'm not fit enough, I can't I'm too fat still, I can't I'm not good enough.
         Of course I didn't tell anyone because I felt like a failure but once I voiced it I realized I am not the only one. Once I said it outloud I was able to listen and hear God's voice. I pray in the morning while Isaac eats breakfast and I enjoy my coffee and one morning I was expressing my fears to God. I was like I feel like a failure. Why do I say I can do something when I know I can't? In that moment I heard STOP who said you were a failure because I didn't. Who told you that you can't because I didn't. At that moment I started to cry and realized who said that to me no one but myself. No one ever told me I couldn't maybe it was the fear of letting everyone down.
      Do I still have fear heck yes. Do I still doubt yep but when I start feeling that way I remember God's love for me and remember His promises over my life. He gave me the ability to run. He gave me the passion for it. He made me capable and strong. I'm often reminded of this verse "Be Bold, Be Brave, Be Courageous." Joshua 1:9
     What are you saying to yourself? Think

about that for a minute. What lie have you accepted? What words have paralyzed your potential? Think about these questions. I know I have not just with running and my health but as a mom and wife. I have doubted God in so many areas. When you feel you can't. Stop and listen to that still small voice cheering you on say you can. Whether it be at work, school, as a spouse, as a parent or in any other aspect of your life. I challenge you to trust God and His promises. When I finished my half marathon a month ago I cried. I knew God walked with me in my hardest time of that race. Never doubt what He can encourage you to do. Never forget how He carried you.

When the going gets tough....

     So as the last several months I've been training for a half marathon. It wasn't an easy decision and wasn't easy to think I could do it. I definitely had days that I thought I could not do it. Especially on those days that I would puke or get dizzy. Or when I face plant into the ground but, I kept reminding myself I got this. In my training I found so much more than just a runner. I found a woman who is confident and successful. I was blessed with some of the best encouragers God could have given me. A husband and best friend who stood by every single step of my journey. In January when I said yes, I was scared. I was scared of the unknown, that I would fail, that I wasn't qualified enough.
    In that time I was reminded of so many great people in the bible who in today's standards wouldn't be qualified. Moses, David, Esther just to name a few but God used them. God didn't look at them and say sorry you aren't good enough. He didn't look at me and say sorry maybd when you are more fit. He took a woman who is working on her health, who is learning to eat right, excercise properly.
    I started to realize as I was open to my journey how many people it started to impact. People were wow I started running because of you. I am blown away by your dedication how do I do that. In those moments I started to believe I am qualified because God qualified me. He gave me the heart to do what some would say is an impossible task ,but let me tell you something. What ever God has given you a heart for you are qualified. You are exactly what He wants. I still have along way to go on getting faster but I know what is expected of me now. So this nervous and scared woman can rock it.

Persevering through the muck

As I've been deep into my training these last few weeks it came up why am I doing this? Why do I want to do this? I mean I could just continue doing the easy 5km runs. I could just be happy with that, but I  realized that I can accomplish so much more. I had so many people growing up tell me I'm not good enough, I'm not worthy, I'm never going to amount to anything. In the last 9 months as I was taking care of my mental health I was encouraged to continue working out. As I was working through those words over me at that moment I decided I can do this. I remember looking at my friend and saying to her I'm going to run a half marathon and she looked at me and said about time, you can do this. So, here I am persevering. Its also funny that this last month in our Kid's Church program it was about a mud run getting through the mayhem. We were teaching about perseverance. The bible verse we learned is
         "but those who trust in the Lord will             receive new strength. They will fly as eagles. They will run and not get tired. They will walk and not grow weak." Isaiah 40:31

So here I am feeling the pressure of I don't know if I can do this, it's too hard. Then i here a voice say I am with you, I'm never going to leave you. It's not a sprint. It's a marathon. At those moments I feel calm and collective and able to keep going. Right now I'm training for halfmarathon then a marathon but it is so much more. It's for the little girl who thought I'm too fat, I'm not good enough, I can never be healthy. But God sees me differently I'm not too fat, I'm good enough and He made me whole. Whatever obstacle you are facing God can move the mountain. I never thought I'd be here in my life doing the things I am conquering but God knew. He knew I would face my Goliath. So here is my question what Goliath are you facing? Be a David, stand up to the giant and conquer it.

Welcome to my crazy train (marathon training 101)

I made a decision this week that I am going to run a marathon. I have one full year until race day. I have been training for a half marathon but said enough is enough. I got this. The last 3 years I have been running or attempting to run 5km races but something changed last year and I was able to run them, then 10km races. Now I am able to run 21.1km with no effort. So I decided to stop making the I can't list but the I can list. I decided to not let all those people who told me I couldn't but to listen to the ever soft voice of Jesus saying I can.

                                   My first ever 5km

He said, “Don’t worry about it—there are more on our side than on their side.” 2 Kings 6:16

I am saying I can. I am saying I got this. My health has become a priority and running has become an escape. It has become my time with God. I am excited to run my 42.2km race but know that I am boarding my crazy train of training. I am blessed to have my amazing husband and friends pushing me every step of the way. Never say you can't. I never ever thought I would be running let alone a marathon. I'll be honest 3years ago it hurt to run, it was a struggle to breath but now I love it. Now it is much more. It is something I can now say I got this. Achieve all God has for you. Achieve all your dreams. You got this.

PCOS 0 Alison 1

     I was at the gym with a friend and she encouraged me to write about my health journey battling PCOS(Polycystic ovarian syndrome). A little back story on this disease
 1 in 6 women are diagnosed with this disease and currently has no medical treatment as everyone's affects them differently. Mine was infertility due to low progesterone, it slowed my metabolism down which caused my testosterone to be high and look like I was 6 months pregnant. It made it near impossible to lose weight.

      I was diagnosed in 2006 and they tried everything. They tried the one medication that works for some called metformin but it just made me sick. I lived in constant pain and had long menstrual cycles. It caused me infertility which caused continuous miscarriages. Finally in 2015 I met with a fertility specialist who tried to help by trying another medication which again did nothing. It wasn't until I got connected to an amazing dietitian online at pcos diet support. I started to learn which supplements to start taking which is alot trust me eg; chromium, magnesium, vitamin D, vitamin b12, probiotics for gut health, I take ltheanine for anxiety before bed, inositol which now I'm off, I take birth control to balance my progesterone levels. I started to learn what I should be eating. No dairy, no gluten easier said than done, I like pizza haha. The dairy has a hormone in it that can increase my testosterone and gluten can spike my blood sugars.
Now don't get me wrong in between 2015 and now I did have a son who is now 18months old thanks to the Ontario IVF program. In 2017 I had Isaac, beautiful boy, but leading up to that I was expected to lose 10 to 15lbs to fit into 31bmi. Hello, PCOS makes it impossible to lose weight. I managed to lose the little bit of weight and squeaked into the bmi they wanted. Thanks to my awesome friend Jenn.
     Now it wasn't long after I was rediagnosed with PCOS. I took it really hard because I had just started on a new health journey. I was eating right and working out. I remember that walk home clearly. It was a Jan 2018 afternoon, slightly snowing and all I could do was cry out to God I'm so exhausted of fighting. He said keep doing what you are doing and I will take care of everything else. I kept trucking on working hard exercising, eating healthy. In all this time I started finding passion for excercise and yummy food. The more I kept eating healthy and exercising the more results I saw. The less symptoms I had due to the PCOS. My insulin results balanced out, my testosterone level came down. Still having a trouble with the progesterone but one day at a time.
     Fast forward to Jan 2019 and as I was fasting and praying, I remember again asking God did you forget about me. All I can remember is weeping and hearing Do you trust me? I began to say I think so and again heard Do you trust me? Again I said I think so. Finally the 3rd time I heard Do you trust me? At that moment my heart said I need to trust you. In the last few months I kept rolling with health and my doctor is loving my progress and feels I should be able to get off some of the many supplements I'm on to function. I laughed when I heard that and thought you have no idea doc lol. I am still taking my supplements and will continue on this healthy lifestyle. For a matter of fact I'm pushing myself to train for a half marathon. No turning back. As the title says PCOS 0 Alison 1. I will no longer let this disease control my life. God controls it.

My daily morning reality

Sitting Around the dinner table

     As I was really processing our Pastor's sermon this week about being "we not me" as a family unit. He mentioned in his family the dinner table was their time together. I definitely had to think what does that look like in our family. And it brought me to think about my dinner table while growing up and how the dinner table was an essential part in our house. We would talk about our day and upcoming activities, whatever was bothering us etc. Andre grew up the same way it was an essential part of his home so as Andre and I talked about this we realized we wanted the same thing for our family. We wanted to have that place where we can come as a family and know it's our time to listen and laugh
    “Well, come home with me and have a meal.” 1 Kings 13:15
     Now here we are sitting at the table with our 18month old and sharing our meals. Are they always beautiful meals no but we are together. We try to make this a priority easier said than done some days but wow how nice it is to be us as a family. We say grace together and serve each other. We talk about our crazy day, laugh as Isaac is learning the fork and spoon. Don't get me wrong Isaac doesn't quite know what is going on but we look at it this way we train him up the way we want him to go. We want him to know the importance  of the dinner table not just to eat at but communicate at. We want him to know the importance of togetherness and to pray together at the dinner table. Putting Jesus and family first over the meaningless needs of the social media world.
    Last year we decided to take a parenting class offered at our church and it was amazing. In the class the gentleman talked about as crazy as his life could get the dinner table was the one place that his kids new as a safe place to discuss the good, the bad and the ugly. You see from that day on we as a couple made the decision that was what we wanted for our son. Ok don't get me wrong pizza movie night is an exception but that is still as important. As I started thinking about the dinner table and how even it was important to Jesus. He sat with his disciples at the table and broke bread. Which was His family. So to think the dinner table may seem insignificant it's not. It's the place to laugh playing a board game, eat a delicious meal, have a cup of coffee with a friend and pray together. In this house it's the center of our home. Its the place where we have shared some of the happiest and darkest times. The place where we have shed tears and prayed for wisdom and strength. The dinner table has definitely been a place where we have made some of the toughest decisions. It's the place where we've sat with Jesus and a cup of coffee quietly. God keeps bringing us to that same spot. He draws us there. Its the place in the home where when we sit down there is no technology, no distractions. It's just us as a couple, as a family. So here is my challenge to you what does your dinner table look like?

"Friends love through all kinds of weather, and families stick together in all kinds of trouble."Proverbs 17:17

Letting God do the work is easier said than done.

I've probably written this about 20 times lol. In the last year I have learned more about how easy it is to not take time with Jesus. After having our son Isaac it was still easy because we were living in such a high of our miracle and the grace of God. It was easy on Sunday to engage because he slept most of the time but as time went on it became easy to not worship Jesus or read my bible. It became easy to not talk to anyone, not be available in the ways you knew God wanted you to be. As I became more distant my relationship with God also became that way. I know he was knocking and ringing the doorbell heck He was pounding but I shut off everything. I didn't want to hear when doctors told me having another child probably not in the cards, my job if ever I wanted to go back wasn't there anymore even though I knew that we had already made the decision for me to be at home. The reality had become that I was now a mom and didn't know how to find Alison in my new identity that God always had for me.
Now I fast forward to this past fall where I sat In my kitchen with husband and pastor and played out every feeling, every thought and emotion. It was at that point where Pastor suggested for me to seek Christian counseling. It was scary as heck to think something was wrong and that I was a failure as a mom and wife. Well I did exactly what was suggested and got the help I needed. When I was diagnosed with moderate/severe postpartum depression it was like I'm not crazy, I'm not alone. In these last few months I have learned to find the joy in the Lord again. I have found so much peace. When I finally answered the door and reinvited Jesus into my clutter filled, peanut butter smudged messiness I knew things were going to change. Never let your voice not be heard. Never be afraid to let Jesus in even amongst the chaos of life. This bible verse has given me strength through this time "she is clothed in strength and dignity and she laughs without fear of the future." Proverbs 31:25